Happy Feet

Okay, so for a very long time now, I’ve had this dance that I’ve wanted to do. It’s not a dance I’ve ever seen anywhere—well, not quite. It’s a step dance, and I started wanting to do this dance when I was a kid in Tennessee and the old timers would do their buck dances and their clogging, and it was all totally hokey and corney to me. And yet….. they were having so much fun. I wished for the fun.

Then when I grew up and moved to the Midwest I studied for a long time at this dance studio run by these Christian African American ladies. I learned some of the roots steps, and it started to mix inside of me with what I remembered. I kind of wished I could put it together and just dance it. I wished.

I’ve been in church services where they had cleared a big area for people to go dance, and that seemed like a great idea, but as soon as you got out there somebodywould look at you, and you’d get all self-conscious, and that would ruin it.

It’s not that I was a rotten dancer. I spent a lot of time and money studying ballet, mime, jazz and modern, and it was exhilarating to grow and do my best to excel in those disciplines. And I would sometimes dance up a storm in a choreographed frenzy, and it almost felt like flying.

And yet there was this other dance inside of me; a very free dance. It kind of grew as I grew. It’s a step dance, that much I knew; maybe a little Irish, a little southern, more than a little African. All floating around in there; and sometimes I would hear just the right kind of music, and I wanted so badly to dance it. Once I went to this outdoor African American gospel music festival. At one point in one song, my feet were really itching to do that dance. I almost did it, too. But, I mean, you would have to get up out of your seat, and people would see you, and that self-conscious thing would mess you up, and…..I still wish I had done that dance that day.

I couldn’t really capture it when I was alone at home, either. It’s one of those things where you had to be in the moment, with the right people, with the right energy, and together you would be creating something. I do wish I had known how to capture it at home.

Then I came back to my Baptist roots, which pretty much ended the whole dance thing. And even while I was dreaming of still finding a way to dance some more, I totally trashed my ankle. I mean, torn ligaments, torn cartilage, and a healing process measured, not in weeks, but in months and even years. And that pretty much ended the whole thing with that dance inside me. I do wish I had done it just once before I did my ankle job. I wish.

That brings me to this week, and the frustration of near-burnout. See, I’m producing this musical at the school where I teach music. Next Friday is the big performance, and here I am trying to pull all this stuff out of my kids that’s not quite there yet. I’m busy, tired and frustrated, and yesterday I never left the building after school. I stayed and painted the set, grabbed supper in the lunchroom and went upstairs to the sanctuary to practice with my praise team for church Sunday.

And they were all burned out too. The other guitarist was a mess of spiritual warfare. One of the vocalists didn’t even want to be there. The pianist was exhausted from her harvest. We were a mess, and it didn’t bode well.

Practice went HORRIBLY. The bassist and drummer were missing, the pennywhistler looked tired, and at one point two of the singers were arguing over who sang what part. The guitarists (including me) were making mistakes all over the place.

On inspiration I pulled out these stovepipe top hats we’re using for the musical, and gave everybody one. So we were all wearing top hats, playing our songs. We relaxed, laughed at ourselves and tried again, and the air started to clear. This time the set felt really good. God’s presence could be felt.

Then we were pretty much done. We were sitting around in top hats, singing and talking a little. Then the other guitarist started to play, just for fun, the jazz percussion he likes to do. Something was clicking with him, and there he was, sitting there with his top hat on, playing like a house a’fire. And you know…I felt that dance again. I wished my ankle—

And then I snapped; and I was tired of just WISHING. I put down my guitar and hat and started to dance. Part of me knew that people were noticing, but mostly I didn’t care. It was me and God and that dance, and the music. The singers started tapping these water bottle caps on their chairs, and the rhythm was incredible! And the dance came out just like I thought, a step dance with a little Irish, a little southern, a lot of African American roots, and – surprise – some stomp.

So there’s another one down on my list of dreams to fulfill before I die. I keep listening to the audio recording over and over. I can still feel the dance, and for the first time, feeling it is enough. For now.

And the ankle? Nothing a little ice and ibuprofen couldn’t take down. It was well worth the cost.

Now! Here's a link to the song. Listen. YOU tell ME how you could listen to that music and not have happy feet.

Dons Happy Feet Music.mp3


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It is what it is

I have a saying I coined in high school when I went through a particularly bad part of my life. It's "what a difference a day makes" and that is so true. Most things, if you wait 24 short hours, will change. Or they seem to change.
Unfortunately, my YEAR has been a series of days upon days upon days. I, like A., can only stand back and say "unbelievable" I have seen the highest of highs and had no idea I could be this low. I have always found writing very therapeutic and have posted several things on my friend Lon's blog. He has been kind enough to tolerate my ramblings and allow this kind of pseudo-anonymous group therapy.
To see it go here http://dailybuildup.blogspot.com/
I apparently also like bumper sticker type sayings to help me through some rough spots. Where A. has latched on to "unbelievable", I have grabbed "It is what it is"
You see, I am the complete opposite of A. in many regards. The anti-A if you would. I love neatness, order and purpose. I thrive off of schedules, graphs and charts. Not only does everything have a place but everyone has a particular way they are to behave in that place. Except for this year they didn't.
Nothing is where it should be and it seems no one is acting or reacting in the way in which I think (and expect) them to. It's very hard for me. Sad even. But I am slowly learning this inflexible attitude hurts me as much as it helps. Yes, I set tons of goals and reach them all (before deadline) but I also have a tendency to loose sight of the people and the joy.
In no long flowery definition, no veiled attempt at hiding it, I am hurting and searching for joy. All of a sudden I find myself where everything is out of place and there is no clear cut purpose or goal set before me. At first I was reeling, trying to scramble for a new project or goal or just to put things back in order. Then I stopped.
Simply stopped.
Sometimes to do nothing is to accomplish a great thing.
I know we have a lot of work to do. I know it is good work and that God is with us. I just don't think He wants us to forget to be with each other while the work is being done. I have missed the connection with friends , the laughter, the joy of working together to serve and the caring follow ups when one of us has something go wrong. It is truly the connections to each other that make the work worth doing and not seem like, well, work. As we move forward to accomplish our plans, let us not forget each other.

http://www.stservicemovie.com/

unraveled sweater

Well, I don't have much to say right now, obviously. Nothing too insightful. Nothing too deep and leering about my life or events around me. Life is interesting though. you never know what kinds of twists and turns you will take. This last year has been -borrowing the statement from LaRae Roth - "Unbelievable!" Unbelievable in so many different aspects. Unbelievably amazing. Unbelievably sad. Unbelievably frustrating. Unbelievably exciting. Unbelievably inspiring. Unbelievably unbelievable! Its unbelievable how God has been with me through it all.

He knows what we all need. I needed a period of reflection and testing and then growth. I needed direction. I've been floating through life waiting for something to catch up with me. Unfortunately it did.

It was like wearing your favorite bulky, cuddly sweater. Then noticing a piece of yarn is sticking out awkwardly. You quickly try to tuck it in and hide it. I'm painfully self conscious and will spend a lot of time trying to discreetly tuck away loose threads. This thread was not going to be tucked away. So going against my better judgment, I just pulled it, and pulled and pulled, and pulled....

So suddenly this summer I realized that I had completely undone everything. I was naked and there was a whole mess of yarn around me. Figuratively, not literally, don't worry no indecent exposure. I just realized that I needed to focus my life. I had things and stuff scattered everywhere. I had no goals. And I was unbelievably sad. Luckily, some of our selah sisters where there for me. Thank you.

So I've been reflecting on where I've been and where I'm going. I know what I want to do with my life. Trying to focus on rebuilding things that have come unraveled. Only hopefully better and not leaving the loose threads. So during the process of tearing down and rebuilding I've realized that some really incredible things have happened. I don't want to itemize them here. But things are unbelievable. I can't say that things are great. Or even good. But I think that they are going in the right direction. And I know what God has called me to do. :)

Selah.

Hey, and pray for us - the selah sisters. To be a little bold about it: I don't know what's going on, but there is a rift between some of us. I think we have all been in the process of tearing apart and rebuilding, whether we wanted to or not. God has lead us to this place. But we are all feeling a little disconnected with each other. It seems like when we are wrapped up in reflecting and redefining we lose track of those around us. So Pray for us. I think that as individuals and as a group we need it.

a.